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Friday, April 5, 2013

What Am I Afraid Of? :: I'm Sharing My Fears with the World To Help Me Overcome Them

Me? Afraid? Paaaalease!
99% of the time I feel invincible — I do what I wanna do — full speed ahead!!!!
1% of the time I'm in denial. I make excuses like "It's really not necessary after all to contact the head marketing offices at Victorias Secret. Working with the small local boutiques is the way to go," and "That big genius project idea that I had last night before I fell asleep really isn't that amazing after all. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing."

Sometimes, my reasoning is sound. For me, small boutiques instead of big franchisees could be a very good strategy. But other times it's fear convincing me that I've just changed my mind. Today I was listening to a podcast (Jonathon Foust) about meditation & fear. Jonathan asked us to mediate on something we fear. At first I drew a blank. For a moment I entertained the amusing possibility that I could in fact be...fearless. haha But then I really thought about it and realised I have just as many fears as the next invincible 24 year old... but my fears hide from me...or maybe I hide them from myself?

I LOVE singing but I'm afraid of singing in front of other people.
I LOVE dancing and I LOVE the idea of dancing down the street but I'm afraid of that too.
I'm afraid of going to a CrossFit workout.
I'm afraid of my workaholism ruining my marriage.
I'm afraid of approaching large businesses I want to work with and looking ignorant & underprepared.
I'm afraid I'll never feel confident in a swimsuit and I'll never get to experience feeling carefree at the swimming pool / beach.
I'm afraid of Miggy getting hit by a car when he walks around Edinburgh (and dying).
I'm afraid of Miggy getting into a car crash when he starts driving in Seattle (and dying).
I'm afraid of amputation.
I'm afraid of getting cavities or my teeth breaking/staining.
I'm afraid my business won't be as successful as I hope it will be.
I'm afraid of having children.
I'm afraid of not having children.
I'm afraid that when Miggy grows out his beard he'll love it, and I wont (and he'll be disappointed).
I have a problematically low sex-drive and I'm afraid it will never get better.
I'm afraid of getting old and regretting all the time I didn't spend with Miggy because I was working and updating Facebook & my blog.
I'm afraid of photographing photographers.
I'm afraid people won't like the images I create for them.
I'm still afraid of looking "stupid" in front of boys I find attractive.
I'm afraid of what certain people think of my work, if they think I'm trying too hard or not qualified.
I'm afraid I won't be able to pay my bills next month.
I'm afraid I'll have to get knee replacements in the future.
I'm afraid I'll loose touch with my best friends who live on the other side of the world.
I'm afraid my phone/computer radio waves will make me sick over the course of my lifetime.
I'm afraid of losing my vision or mind.

My heart is beating a little faster just writing these down - probably because Im afraid to share these so publicly  I'm sure I could unbury more fears if I kept searching. I've just realised that maybe the reason I don't FEEL these fears until I really meditate on them is because for most of them I know I can do something about them. I may be afraid but I'm not helpless. Because I'm not helpless, I don't classifies these things as fears but rather as obstacles (that I know I can overcome, if I choose to). For those things that are out of my control, like Miggy being hit by a car, well those are real fears that I think I can only face by acceptance.

What are you afraid of? Which fears can you turn into obstacles to overcome?
Try writing a list for yourself. You might just realise that you're not helpless & you're not alone. :)
PS: I wrote this blog post about a month ago but I've been too afraid to publish it until today. What's different about today? I'm tired of being afraid....it's exhausting. It's been consuming all my energy, like a flame hungry for oxygen, leaving me fatigued, banging my head against a brick wall, wondering why I'm not moving forward as quickly as I'd like to. I'm sick of it. I'm ready for adventure & creative greatness. I'm whipping out the snuffer and putting out that pathetic little flame of fear (it's like a weak little dictator man trying to take over the universe for goodness sake - scary until you look over your shoulder and see the empowering army that's on YOUR side) so that I can burst into a powerful flame of freedom and joy!  Take that, fear! BOOM, you are not the boss of me.