Monday, February 25, 2013

The Prodigal Wife & The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

So you're not going to believe this but...I can be very moody. I don't roller coaster through moods though. Instead it's more like I float through life on a happy path of puffy joy clouds and every couple months I slip off the edge and land in a moody ditch. I get stuck there for a few hours and it takes a change of weather for me to muster the strength to crawl back up to the happy road. 

Why do I slip into the ditch? Hard to say...fatigue? stubbornness? selfishness? The only person who ever really sees this mood is Miggy — poor fella. The one I love most sees me at my worst; truly unfair, I know. Apparently, this is normal. Everybody does it, but that doesn't mean that I want to be normal. I want to rise above it.

What do my moods look like? No smiles. Monotone voice. Short answers. No eye contact. No positive feedback. Grumbles and complaints might even appear. It's not scary, just ultra depressing for everyone involved. 

How do I climb out of the ditch? Exercise. Hanging out with my girlfriends. Yoga. Going on a walk. Journaling. Reading an inspiration self-help book that encourages me to remove all negativity from my mind. Something that jolts me free, reminds me of how I want to be, reenergises me so I have the strength to overcome the mood.

Last week I was on Skype with Miggy — yes, he's still in Scotland waiting for his green card. I've taken forever to get visa paperwork done. I've been too busy, too tired, too selfish with my time, too worried that when he arrives I will loose my free-time and independence. It's terrible, I know. I really have been feeling soo exhausted and the idea of doing paperwork was so daunting. I felt bad that I didn't have the energy to finish it in one sitting and when people keep asking me why its taking so long I felt guilty. I could have taken a couple days off work to recover energy and then devote another day to paperwork but it just seemed so crazy and "impossible" to take that many days away from running my business (as if the world would fall apart). I have put my own business priorities above my priorities of being Miggy's best friend. :(

My parents inquired about the visa paperwork over Starbucks that morning and then on Skype that afternoon Miggy asked me again and my frustration and guilt kicked me straight into the moody ditch and I stayed there for over an hour. I can't believe he had the patience to stay with me on Skype and try and cheer me up. He asked me to tell him how I was feeling. What he was doing to bother me and how he could make it better. And what did I do? Grumble, shrug, roll the eyes, sigh, hang up. Basically, what a bitch.

So I grabbed the book I'm reading "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" (you seriously should read this), mushed some bananas, peanut butter & Graham crackers together in a bowl, wrapped myself in my mom's sleeping back and went and sat outside on the wet porch beside Riley the horse (our horse wanders freely around our garden). I read furiously through the pages, spooning the mushy food into my mouth, and occasionally petting Riley's long nose. 

I came across a passage in the book that said our lives are governed by our thoughts. Negative thoughts lead to a negative life. We cannot even have tolerance for one negative thought as it will take root and take over out entire mind and ruin our lives. Instead, whenever we see a negative thought appear in our mind, we need to eliminate it immediately and replace it with a positive thought. 

Talk about a relevant message. I was literally bathing myself in negativity at this point. So I stood up, shook off the mood and logged back onto Skype (hoping Miggy would still be awake and online.) Ring ring. Ring Ring. Hello?

"Hi, Migs. I'm really sorry."

"That's ok, love. I knew you were just in a mood." 

Best husband ever. He'd already forgiven me and welcomed me back with arms wide open. 

Thank you Miggy for being my best friend, even when I suck at being yours. I love you.